Being the Nag (And Learning to Love It)

Being the Nag. 

Don't we get enough of that at home? Nagging our children to do their homework, to do their chores, to behave in a way that reflects well on us as parents...after all, it's all about us, lol.

Yeah, we do get enough of that. And, we probably need to do less, because in the end, having a good, honest, and respectful relationship with your child is far more important than a clean room or straight As. Trust me on this.

But one area we cannot, and should not, stop nagging is with school districts, particularly around accommodations and services that are promised but not delivered, or followed.

As my colleague (and now employee) Rachel Roth will attest, it's just amazing how many goals on IEPs are developed, and then never followed -- no milestones entered, no reliable end of year summary, and if the goal didn't work (for whatever reason), they are often just dropped the next year.

If you've seen this on your child's IEP and think it's just you -- think again. It happens all the time.

Here are some guidelines you can follow to learn to love being a nag:

• Remember that ALL goals should be SMART:

1. Specific -- what skills or behaviors will increase or decrease?
2. Measurable -- by how much will these behaviors increase or decrease, and who will measure them using what metrics?
3. Actionable -- is this goal actionable, in that there are available resources and time, and are they defined? Who is responsible? (And, it should not be YOU or YOUR CHILD -- all goals on an IEP should have ONE teacher or administrator responsible.) 
4. Realistic -- is this a realistic goal? For example, if the school 'decides' that they can bring your child up from a 4th grade reading level to a 10th grade in one year, you may want to question this decision.
5. Timebound -- this is part and parcel of an IEP in so far as there should be notations on progress at regular intervals. 

• For this last item, ask that milestone DATES are added to the IEP, and then mark these on YOUR calendar, and contact the district for updates at that time. If you trust the district to give these to you informally, that's great. If not, call an interim IEP at each milestone to get progress.
• If there is not enough progress, or if there is none, then it makes no sense to keep that goal as is -- the goal needs to be rewritten to accommodate the failure. There's an old saying in product management -- Nine women cannot make a baby in one month. If timelines were well thought out to begin with, they should stick, which means more time needs to be added to that goal, which means it may need to carry over to the next year, and if not completed in a timely manner then you're past graduation with unmet goals, and that means that the school district can be claimed to owe you COMPENSATORY EDUCATION. Think services and goals, not timelines here. Their clock may be ticking. Your child's isn't. An IEP is a contract. When contracts are broken or not fulfilled, there are consequences. Compensatory education is that consequence.
• Think ahead. What skills will your child need in future grades? A mistake we see is to focus too much on academics, and too little on social and executive functioning areas, and later too little focus on independent living skills. We are raising adults, here, not forever students. IDEA clearly states that the end goal is to develop a young adult 'prepared for post-secondary life' -- which may include academics in college, but includes far more than that. Don't skip group work, WORK on group work. Don't hide your child from social situations, WORK on them. Don't let the school provide too much 'hand over hand' with regards to executive functioning, have them TEACH executive functioning. I don't want others fishing for my kids, I want them to learn HOW to fish!
• Get creative. "We can't do that" is code for "we don't want to do that". If your child actually needs something, and you can prove it and aren't totally off your rocker (sorry, there are a few...), then your child should get it. But think out of the box. And do expect that there WILL be things you should be providing for your kiddo, because more help and support all around will develop a better outcome for him/her. 
• Don't lose your sense of humor or your compassion. Districts DO work hard, and DON'T have adequate funding, so there's no need to be punishing or mean. Push, yes, but focus on the goals. 

Being a nag is much easier when you remember that this is a long journey, and that staying on the path will result in success. Too many kids end up with poor outcomes or delayed launches because the parents got tuckered out mid-way, or couldn't find the energy to keep up. Reach out to other parents and support groups if this is the case. You don't have to do this alone. But you DO have to DO it. Learn to love it!

©2017 EvoLibri Consulting/Jan Johnston-Tyler

ADHD, ASD, and Metacognition -- What to Look for in IEPs

It's that time of year again -- IEP and 504 season, when parents meet with school administrators and teachers to put accommodations and services in place for our kids.

However, I know that many well-meaning teachers and administrators really do not get what the problem is. They often see us as over-protecting our kids (or not working hard enough with them) and they see our kids as lazy, manipulative little snots. Yeah, really.

Even really great teachers who want to help believe that if the student just tried harder that s/he would be successful. They are missing the point. Entirely.

So, for you, your family, your child's teachers -- and mostly for your child -- I give to you the following description of what is really going on. Be on the look out for the 'buzzwords' you might see in progress notes or in emails from your child's teacher. They are code for 'your child is lazy' or 'you don't do enough as a parent'. Do not accept this language!

Okay, here we go:

ADHD and ASD compromise Metacognition – the congruency of awareness of time, place, and self: “I am here, in this place, feeling this way, needing to do this thing now, and that thing next.”

People with severe ADHD continually ‘lose the thread’ of what they are doing or should be doing, and struggle to get back on track as they lack the ‘traffic cop’ of metacognition to remind them. This is not laziness and is the root cause of most of ADHD’s impact.

-        Challenges this presents:

o   Meltdowns – unaware of key indicators of hunger, fatigue, stress, anxiety, and thus does not remediate until too late, and ‘blows’ or breaks down into tears (‘overly emotional’ or ‘aggressive’).

o   ‘Stuckness’ – unaware of ‘drift’ or being stuck (‘does not ask for help’).

o   Delays in activation – is distracted and does not start tasks (‘procrastination’).

o   Forgets sequence – completes first task, forgets that there is a second or third (‘lack of follow through’).

o   Missed social/informational cues – misses important information in classroom or forgets to write it down. Can miss irony, subtle digs, other social cues (‘poor social awareness’ or ‘fails to pay attention in class’).

o   Distractibility – inability to shift focus back to work after sensory/thought interruption such as people talking, door closing, phone ringing, thoughts of hunger, remembering a joke (‘cannot focus,’ ‘highly distractible,’ ‘goofing off’)

-        Remediation and Accommodations:

o   External prompting/cueing to remind person to ‘check in’ on here and now status: alarms/reminders on cell phone or computer, gentle reminders by teacher (“how are you doing and what are you doing – what do you need to do next?”).

o   Preferential seating to increase focus on teacher and ‘main action’ in classroom.

o   Visible timers to help remind student that ‘time is passing’ and to refocus on tasks.

o   Flow charts in field of vision demonstrating flow of tasks.

o   Written instructions detailing tasks.

o   Consistency in tasks so that there is a defined pattern or structure – “Always do this first, this second, and that last” or “Quizzes are always on Wednesdays, and notebooks are always due Fridays”.

o   Minimization of busywork so there is less overall to remember, execute, and turn in.

o   Verbal reminders to turn in homework so that students stop, get their homework out, and turn it in.

-        Lifeskills to Master (skills that should be taught by all schools -- buy my book!):

o   Use calendar (electronic or written)

o   Use reminders (alarms, post-its, flow charts)

o   Use list-making software

o   Learn/use taxonomy schemas to break down complex tasks (rubrics, worksheets)

o   Learn/use prioritization schemas

o   Learn/use decision-making schemas

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There you have it -- use this year after year. Remember to NOT let schools 'get by' with language that is damaging, with failure to provide adequate accommodations, or to make YOU responsible for your CHILD'S difficulties. IDEA and Title IV are clear about what schools must provide to make your child successful now -- and in the future!

©2017 EvoLibri Consulting/Jan Johnston-Tyler